Reviewed by Alice Child, Somatic Sexologist
Somatic Sexologist Alice Child explains the orgasm gap in heterosexual relationships, and explains why men are having more orgasms than their female partners during sex.
This guide contains general advice only. If you need more tailored support, please book in a session.
Orgasms can be mind-blowing, so let's have more!
What is the orgasm gap?
The orgasm gap (also known as the pleasure gap) is the differences in sexual satisfaction, especially when it comes to how often heterosexual and cisgendered men and women reach orgasm.
For example, the Australian Body+Soul 2024 Sex Consensus found that cisgendered straight men are three times more likely to reach orgasm than cisgendered straight women each time they have sex.
What is the cause of the orgasm gap for heterosexual couples?
We rush into penetrative sex too fast
The sex education at school is not enough. Many adults know very little about basic sex education, including pleasure anatomy, sexual communication, understanding arousal, and orgasm and desire.
For example, did you know it can take up to 30-40 minutes for the clitoris (both inside and out!) to become fully aroused? In that time, a woman's body goes through major changes to prepare for sex, including producing lubrication and increased blood flow.
When sex is rushed, it can make things painful or uncomfortable, and does not give the body enough time to build orgasmic pleasure.
When we slow down, we feel more!
Sex myths
Myth: Sex is penis in the vagina
Sex in movies and porn regularly shows women having orgasms from penetration alone. When in reality, it is rare for penetrative sex alone to lead to an orgasm. In fact, 70-85% of women need external clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm.
Myth: Sex has to end with an orgasm
Sex can be pleasurable without an orgasm! When you're fixated on an orgasm being the goal of sex, that pressure often brings more stress, making it harder to get out of your head and enjoy the moment.
Not prioritising female pleasure
Society has an ingrained culture where women are expected to put others first both personally, professionally and also when it comes to pleasure. We've also been accustomed to think of the male orgasm as the typical outcome of sex, and the female orgasm as just a bonus. As a result, many women find it difficult to communicate their sexual preferences, whether it’s because they feel too nervous to ask (even if they know what they want), or because they might be unsure of what they want at all.
Sex is often penis-focused, and similar to the way that men experience pleasure. It's important to note that the way men and women self pleasure are often very different.
For example, if a man prefers fast and vigorous up and down motions and his female partner prefers external rubbing and circling, they might feel very out of sync during partnered sex. But when it comes to sex, the actions that men enjoy (aka fast in and out thursting!) often become a default because that is what people see in porn, movies etc.
Shame
Unfortunately, there is still a stigma surrounding sex. For many women, there is a belief that 'sex is for men' and it's something they do to please their partner rather than for their own pleasure.
This sexual shame can make it hard for women to speak up about their preferences and discourage them from masturbating and exploring their self-pleasure.
Confidence issues
Sex is vunerable, and for many women, it can be hard to completely relax both physically and mentally because of how vulnerable it can feel to let go and fully trust their partner. There are many reasons why, including:
Body image - Feeling self-conscious about the way your body looks, tastes or smells.
Performance anxiety - Feeling like you're 'taking too long' or whether you're doing things right
Trust and safety - For women with a trauma history, like sexual violence or assault, it can be especially hard to surrender and feel pleasure even if they trust their partner.
It's important to be mentally stimulated to become comfortable and get in the right mood.
How do we close the orgasm gap?
Don't fake orgasms
Although it might feel tempting, nobody is winning when we fake pleasure. Faking orgasms widens the orgasm gap even more. Your partner won't know how to help get you off in the way that you need if you don't communicate your sexual preferences. By removing the idea that an orgasm is the goal of sex, it reduces the pressure to have to perform or fake one.
When we're too focused on the ending, it's easy to forget to enjoy the journey!
Sex therapy
Sex therapy gives people a safe, expert-led, and judgement-free space to explore and learn everything they need to achieve better sexual wellness.
Some benefits of sex therapy include:
Improved communication (in and outside the bedroom)
Overcoming sexual concerns - e.g. difficulty orgasming, performance anxiety, erectile difficulty, painful sex, premature ejaculation, low libido, mismatched libido
Ability to set sexual boundaries
If you need tailored support and advice, book in a session.
Stay curious and learn
To our partners: Educate yourselves! Refresh your sex education knowledge and get familiar with female anatomy and pleasure, especially the clitoris, the pleasure powerhouse!
Remember that often what a penis needs to build pleasure and reach orgasm during penetration (e.g. fast, deep, thrusting motions) is the not always what a vulva needs (e.g. slow build up, teasing, grinding, circling motions).
Do some research and learn about how you can pleasure your partner in the way that they need. Here are some ideas:
How to build arousal with erogenous zones
Know how to stimulate the clitoris
Explore each other's fantasies
Oral sex
Take your time
Spend at least 20 minutes dedicated to foreplay! You want your whole internal clitoris to be completely aroused and sensitive, and your hips/pelvis to be moving with anticipation.
Don't jump straight to your genitals! Take the time to explore other erogenous zones:
Neck
Breast
Belly
Thighs
Bum
Body mapping helps you to explore each other's bodies with fresh eyes - mapping every inch of their body for the most pleasurable spots!
Body mapping is great for:
Increasing sensation and pleasure, even in areas you thought were less sensitive
Slowing down and savouring a slower form of pleasure and arousal
Trying something new and finding undiscovered erogenous zones
Enhancing sexual communication and understanding
Pillow Play, (my online sex and intimacy games for couples!) offers a chance to map your own body or your partner's with the curiosity of an explorer in Game 7 - Body Mapping!
Talk about what you like
Have honest open and judgement-free conversations with your partner, before, during and after sex. If you don’t already, start having regular debriefs after sex:
What was hot for you/your favourite moments?
What didn't work well for you?
What you’re excited to try next?
If you’re finding it difficult to ask for what you want, it could be that you're unsure of what you want. Download my free Sexual Bucket List. It's a fun way to communicate what you like, don't like and what you're curious about.
Game 7 of Pillow Play is the Brakes and Accelerator Quiz, a fun, quick-fire Q&A game to learn what turns you on and off and how to initiate intimacy.
Toys
Partners can sometimes see toys as competition, but in reality, toys are your teammates!
Just like any sexual fantasy, it's normal to feel nervous bringing it up if you haven't discussed it with your partner. Here are some tips for introducing sex toys:
Focus on the positives - Focusing on the negatives (e.g. what's wrong with your sex life) can be upsetting to hear. Instead, explain why it would be hot for you and the fun you could have together!
Share a fantasy - Think about the kind of sex you're already having and how sex toys could enhance that (e.g. We love naughty date nights - would it be fun for you if we used a remote control toy in public?).
Do some research - Read about popular sex toys and the options for different genitals (e.g. blogs, reviews and stores). Vibrators can help provide external clitoral stimulation that some women need to reach an orgasm.
Go shopping together - Shopping for sex toys can be really fun! Online stores are a more discreet option, but going in person allows you to get hands-on with products and ask for professional advice.
Enthusiastic consent - Consent is always essential. We should never pressure our partners into anything they feel uncomfortable with. Give them some time to think about it and ask questions.
Best,
Alice x
Alice Child - Somatic Sexologist, Sex Therapy & Sex Counsellor - helps people achieve happier and healthier sex lives through 1:1 sex coaching, couples sex counselling, hens parties, and workshops. Book a session here.
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