Written by Alice Child, Somatic Sexologist
Somatic Sexologist Alice Child explains the effects of menopause on sexual, mental, emotional health and relationships, sharing her top tips, including exercises and products to try.
This guide contains general advice only. If you need more tailored support, please book in a session.
It's not surprising that this huge time of transition can have such a knock on impact to sex, confidence and relationships.
I want to talk to you about two topics that often go unspoken in our society. Menopause and sex.
Menopause is a significant life transition that can profoundly impact all parts of life; including physical, mental, emotional, sexual and our relationships.
Understanding these changes is crucial for navigating this phase of life with more self awareness, confidence and connection.
It is very possible to manage these symptoms, helping you not only ‘survive’ the impacts of aging on your sex life, but perhaps even embrace them.
Many of the women I work with are in their 40s, 50s and 60s, and it often becomes their most sexually liberated, explorative, communicative, and satisfying chapter!
What is menopause?
Menopause is your final period. As you approach menopause, your reproductive hormones drop, causing many other symptoms, side effects and changes in the body.
Most women reach menopause between the ages of 45 and 55. In Australia, the average age to reach menopause is 51 to 52.
Ways menopause can effect sex drive:
During menopause there are many hormonal, physical, chemical, and mental changes happening in your brain and body. Many of these can have huge impacts on things like libido, sexual pleasure, intimate relationship(s), self confidence and overall feelings of identity. Its is therefore a significant contributor for why some couples stop having sex.
Understanding the common impacts of menopause is a great first step in feeling more self aware and self compassionate to yourself, and more empathetic to your partner.
Hormonal fluctuations
As women approach menopause, hormonal changes, particularly the decline in estrogen and testosterone, can lead to a decreased libido and desire for sex. This reduction in sexual desire is common, affecting more than 32% of women aged 40 to 65, often causing distress and impacting intimate relationships.
Many couples enjoy sex as a way to maintain connection, play, and fun in their relationship, and so feel emotionally less connected when sex is no longer desired as often or even at all.
Mood changes
Menopause often brings mood fluctuations, including irritability and anxiety, which can act as significant barriers to sexual desire. Feeling irritable and anxious is rarely a turn on for anyone!
These emotional shifts may also create tension in relationships, leading to misunderstandings about intimacy needs and desires.
Vaginal dryness and pain
A decrease in estrogen levels can cause vaginal tissues to become thinner and drier, leading to discomfort or pain during intercourse. This condition not only reduces pleasure but may also discourage sexual activity altogether. If sex becomes painful, it’s not surprising that desire for sex and how enjoyable it becomes decreases.
Sleep and hot flushes
Hot flushes can be uncomfortable and disruptive, often affecting sleep quality. The fatigue and discomfort associated with these symptoms can diminish interest in sex, making it feel less and less appealing. When we are tired, we don't want sex!
Confidence and body images
All of these side effects, plus others like changes in body shape, weight gain, and other signs of aging often lead to decreased self-esteem, lower body confidence, and feelings of unattractiveness. I often hear my female clients say that they are ‘loosing their femininity’ or no longer feel ‘like a woman’.
Societal attitudes towards aging women can exacerbate these feelings, making many women feel like they are no longer attractive, sexy, or deserving of great sex. Nearly everyone wants to feel desired and desirable - it’s a huge part of libido and sexual confidence.
It's not surprising that this huge time of transition can have such a knock on impact to sex, confidence and relationships.
Top Tips for Navigating Menopause and getting your sex life back on track
Don’t despair! Menopause happens to all of us sooner or later, and there are many things you can do to prioritise your sexual intimacy, sexual wellness and pleasure as your body changes:
Do your research
Educate yourself about perimenopause and menopause. On average, women begin perimenopause in their 40s, with menopause typically occurring between ages 45 and 55. Understanding these changes can empower you to address symptoms effectively.
Seek support
Engage with menopause medical professionals who can provide guidance tailored to your needs. Treatments like Hormonal Lubricants, Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) and supplements are available to ease symptoms such as vaginal dryness and low libido.
In addition to medical professionals, I’m a big believer in getting community support. Talking openly about these topics helps make them normal, and can help reduce the feeling of isolation and confusion that so many women struggle with during this time of huge transition. Let’s make menopause a normal conversation, encouraging people to reach out for support from friends, partners and professionals when they need it.
Get your partner in on the learning
Similarly, open communication with your partner about your experiences can be hugely impactful. Discussing the impacts of menopause on both sides can foster understanding and empathy, including conversations about sexual intimacy. Consider couples sex counseling if needed to navigate these conversations more effectively
Get a great lube for your body
Using high-quality lubricants can significantly enhance comfort during sex, alleviating issues related to vaginal dryness. Silicone based lubes are often the best for menopausal bodies as they are the longest lasting and most effective on delicate or sensitive skin. Here are my recommendations.
Try a new toy
Sex toys like vibrators are fantastic during menopause, as they help build arousal, blood flow and pleasure without discomfort from friction. Many of my menopausal clients find that powerful external stimulators such as wand massagers are fantastic, especially if they have been struggling with reduced sensitivity or pain.
Explore new forms of pleasure
Sex is many things, and focusing more time on ‘outercourse’ (eg a yoni massage) than ‘intercourse/ penetration’ is often very helpful. Slow down, engage in 'warm sex' activities, and consider getting a massage candle.
Turn yourself on in new ways.
Connect to your kegel muscles
Practicing Kegel exercises can improve blood flow to the pelvic area, enhancing arousal and helping you feel more connected to your body.
Move your body
Engaging in physical activities such as yoga, pilates, or dancing can boost your mood, increase confidence, and improve libido by promoting overall well-being. Exercise and movement releases mood-balancing chemicals such as endorphins, and also helps you grow your mind-body connection. It’s also great for overall feelings of confidence! I often send clients off to try activities such as pilates and salsa dancing!
Daily pleasure practices
When any of my clients are feeling disconnected from their body or their sexual desires, I encourage them to start a daily practice that prioritizes their overal wellbeing and pleasure.
These do not need to be at all erotic or sexual, but are ways to help give your body some much needed physical pleasure. Whether that’s a bath, a walk in the sun, a sensual massage, a dance class, or simply taking time for self-care— these practices help you reconnect with your body on your terms and have a great impact on things like mood, mental health, libido and confidence.
Navigating menopause is a journey that requires understanding, communication, and exploration of new avenues for intimacy. By addressing these changes proactively, it is possible to not only maintain a fulfilling sexual life but actually step into your most empowered and sexually liberated chapter so far!
Best,
Alice x
Alice Child - Somatic Sexologist, Sex Therapy & Sex Counsellor - helps people achieve happier and healthier sex lives through 1:1 sex coaching, couples sex counselling, hens parties, and workshops. Book a session here.
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