Written by Alice Child, Somatic Sexologist
Sydney-based Somatic Sexologist and Sex & Intimacy Counsellor Alice Child explains explains the skills that she teaches couples, helping them have the best sex of their life.
This guide contains general advice only. If you need more tailored advice, please book in a session.
Sex therapy gives individuals and couples an expert-led, judgement-free environment to learn and discover more about sex, relationships and pleasure, helping them have more sexual happiness.
What is Sex Therapy?
Sex therapy or sex counselling is an expert-led, judgement-free environment to learn and discover more about sex, relationships and pleasure. Sex Therapists and Sexologists help people have happier, healthier and more fulfilled sex lives - whatever that means for them!
What is a Somatic Sexologist?
I work as a Somatic Sexologist, meaning my work combines mindfulness,
coaching, education, neuroscience and counselling techniques to help people achieve their goals.
Somatics is all about the mind-body connection - helping people get out of their head and into their body.
This means we don't just talk about sex -instead I support you learn practical exercises, tools, education and vocabulary to help you achieve your specific goals. I always set 'homeplay' for you to practice at home. Over the years I've pulled together hundreds of resources that I share with clients for homeplay, such as:
worksheets to try
articles to read
self pleasure practices
couples connection practices
consent and boundary exercises
massage techniques
sex and intimacy ideas and techniques
breathwork etc.
What are they most common reasons people see a Sexologist?
If you are reading this and are not sure whether the work that I do is right for you, here are some of the most common reasons people come to see me.
Remember - it's all normal! It's inevitable that at some point in life you will experience changes or challenges in your sex or relationship(s), and want to get some practical ideas & support for how to feel even more connected to own body and your partner.
💙 Mismatched libido - when one person in a relationship wants more or less sex than their partner
💙 Sex is no longer a priority - in a long term relationships, sex often falls off the priority list, feels less exciting or even begins to feel like a chore. They have lost some chemistry and want sex to feel fun and exciting again!
💙Communication -when talking about sex feels awkward or uncomfortable, it's impossible to have the sex life of your dreams
💙 Performance Anxiety - worrying more about the performance than the mutual pleasure
💙Difficulty orgasming - either alone, with a partner or both!
💙 Erectile difficulty, premature ejaculation and pain - wanting to overcome physical concerns in your body so sex can feel fun again
💙Low libido - wondering 'where has my sex drive gone?!' and wanting techniques for getting it back
💙Sexual confidence and skills! Helping people learn more about sex, bodies, kinks, relationships and sexuality so that they feel more confident exploring!
💙 Porn reliance - wanting to reduce their reliance on porn and feel more deeply connected to their own body and their partner
💙 Mental blockers - when something (or many things!) are holding you back from experiencing joyful sex (eg trauma, body image, parenthood, stress, shame, religion etc)
AND SO MANY MORE!
How can Sex therapy improve your sex life?
There are many benefits of sex counselling and sex therapy, including:
Better communication (in and outside the bedroom) and how to talk about sex
Overcoming sexual concerns - eg performance anxiety, erectile difficulty, painful sex, premature ejaculation, low libido
Overcoming mismatched libido and the tension it causes in a relationship
Happier, more fulfilled and connected relationships
Getting over a sex dry spell or spicing up routine sex
Understanding your own sexual needs and desires
Stronger, better and/or more reliable orgasms
Better self confidence and sexual confidence
Overcoming sexual shame
Learning how to explore new fantasies such as kink and BDSM
Learning more about your body and erogenous zones
Better body confidence, awareness and ownership
More access to pleasure in your body and embodiment
Exploring your sexuality and coming out
Learning new skills - such as tantric sex, sex toys etc
Improved mental health
Better physical health
Better sleep
Ability to assert your sexual boundaries and consent
What skills can sex therapy teach couples?
Here are 9 things sex therapy/sex counselling can teach couples to improve their sex life.
1. Healthy conflict styles
Disagreements and differences are inevitable in a relationship - sex therapy can teach couples how to have conflict in a healthy way.
Couples learn to remove defensiveness, criticism, stonewalling and disrespectful communication styles. Learning skills like self soothing, respectful communication, active listening, and letting go of resentment - even when it’s difficult.
Ask yourself - what are we really fighting about? Often it’s about something else entirely - like feeling out of control or like your needs don’t matter.
Healthy conflict is vital for a great sex life. Many people only enjoy sex when there is emotional connection, and conflict is a big reason why many couples stop having sex.
2. Learning how to say ‘no’ & respect a ‘no’
Sex therapy teaches couples how to say and hear a ‘no’ together with love and respect, this removes pressure and pressure is never sexy.
When we have clear boundaries, and we know they will be respected, that is when sexual exploration and trying new things becomes possible.
Stop having sex out of guilt, obligation or people pleasing. It is never healthy in the long run for a life of great sex and connection.
‘No’ doesn’t need to end the connection. Learn forward and find new ways to connect instead through sex therapy.
3. Learning to be friends AND lovers
Fostering your relationship is important - schedule quality time together, go on adventures, ask each other about your days, and meaningfully connect as friends.
But it’s equally important to foster your relationship as lovers. Foreplay is the entire relationship.
Sex therapy teaches couples to stop waiting until they're having or just about to have sex to connect erotically. Because then you will never want to. Desire takes the right headspace & context to build.
Show each other you desire each other every day - that is when erotic energy builds.
4. Talking about sex.. a lot.
Couples that talk about sex more are more likely to keep the passion alive in a long term relationship.
If you feel awkward push through the discomfort because great sex needs great conversation.
Talk about your kinks, turn ons, passions, turn offs, desires & fantasies. When ARE you in the mood? When are you not?
After sex, get in the habit of chatting about what was hot for you, what you’re curios to try next and anything that would have made it even better.
"What was your favourite part? Any thing that could have been better?"
"It was so hot when you held my hair - I’d have loved slowing down & doing that for longer"
5. Learning to have an open, curious mind
Sex counselling helps to remove judgement, shame and fear. Instead learning to have a curious and open mind when it comes to sex.
Learn new things, read sex positive resources, watch online courses, and book in a program with a sexologist. The more you learn, the more fun you’ll have.
Remember the exotic formula:
Arousal = Attraction + Obstacles.
This means we need some form of tension, novelty, anticipation, naughtiness, taboo or newness to charge our eroticism and make sex HOT. Deliberately add this into your sex life by trying new things.
6. Learn how to turn each other (and themselves!) on
Being great in bed isn’t just about learning how to be a good giver - it’s about learning how to be a good receiver.
Learn how to turn each other on and talk about what you each need to get in the mood. We are not mind readers!
Remember that initiating sex shouldn’t be all about what you need/want, it should be about what will help get your partner in the mood. Couples who have great sex talk about their turn ons, their turn offs, and how to navigate differences.
7. Learn to prioritise sex
So many people tell me “I just don’t have the time for sex!”. I get it. Life is busy.
But if connection and intimacy is important to you find a way to make the time. If you can schedule a gym session you can schedule intimacy with your partner.
Reframe what ‘sex‘ means to you. Get your sex, intimacy, and connection needs met in lots of different ways. Great sex doesn‘t require penetration.
Great sex doesn‘t have to be spontaneous. If we don‘t schedule pleasure, it often doesn't happen. Show each other that both your needs matter.
8. Learn to navigate differences & changes
It’s inevitable that at some point in life you will notice changes in your sex life.
Bodies and people change all the time. One or both people may notice changes in things like their erections , sex drive, how wet they get, how long desire takes to build, their romantic attraction to each other, their body confidence, their interest in sex, their sexual preferences, etc.
Couples who learn how to open up the conversation, navigate these changes, find new ways to foster sexual attraction, and seek help when they need it, are more likely to continue a lifetime of great sex.
9. Learn to be secure in your differences
We are all different, and difference is so important for eroticism. Great sex is NOT when ‘’two become one’’ - it’s when two different people connect.
You don‘t own or possess your partner. And they don‘t own you.
This means not forgetting what makes you YOU - prioritising your individual friendships, hobbies, adventures and life outside of your partner.
Learn the difference between privacy and secrecy through sex therapy. Increasing your relationship's respect and feel secure with privacy.
Best,
Alice x
Alice Child - Somatic Sexologist, Sex Therapy & Sex Counsellor - helps people achieve happier and healthier sex lives through 1:1 sex coaching, couples sex counselling, hens parties, and workshops. Book a session here.
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