Why is Sex a Chore?

Written by Alice Child, Somatic Sexologist

Somatic Sexologist Alice Child explains common reasons why can feel like a chore, and gives her top tips for how to bring more pleasure, fun, novelty and connection back into the bedroom.

This guide contains general advice only. If you need more tailored advice, please book in a session.

If you can easily guess what your partner will do next, it removes the excitement and surprise that fuel desire. A bit of unpredictability is essential for building anticipation and keeping the moment engaging.

Why does sex feel like a chore?

"It sounds terrible but... sex feels like a chore" - If this thought has crossed your mind, you’re definitely not alone. Trust me, I’ve lost count of how many times clients have confided in me with these exact words.

And honestly, it makes total sense that you'd feel this way when life gets hectic and stress starts piling up. But here's the thing—sex is meant to be one of life’s pleasures. It should be fun, connective, and, above all, enjoyable!

So if sex is feeling more like a task you have to tick off rather than something to look forward to, consider this your sign to hit pause and re-prioritize your pleasure.

Here are some tips to overcome common reasons why sex is feeling like a chore.

Tip 1: Great sex needs great conversation

Think of it like this: if you went to the same hairdresser year after year without ever telling them what you wanted, would you expect them to get it right every time? Just like your hairstyle, your sexual desires change too.

I get it—these conversations can feel awkward, but talking openly about what you like, what you want more of, and what turns you on (or off!) is crucial. Couples who communicate well are more likely to enjoy a satisfying, fulfilling sex life.

So, if sex is starting to feel like a chore, it might be time to have that conversation. It could be just the thing to reignite the spark and bring back the excitement you’ve been missing.

Tip 2: Spice it up

We all have favorite techniques—spots we love touching, foreplay routines, or positions that never fail. While these are comforting and effective, sticking to them every time can make things predictable and dull.

If you can easily guess what your partner will do next, it removes the excitement and surprise that fuel desire. A bit of unpredictability is essential for building anticipation and keeping the moment engaging.

Introducing variety and surprise helps maintain that spark and keeps you both fully present. By spicing up your sex life and stepping out of your routine, you not only make your intimate moments more hot n' heavy, but also strengthen your connection.

If you're interested in ways to do this, check out Game 13 in Pillow Play (my online sex and intimacy games for couples!). It's called Strip Roulette and it is a sexy and silly undressing game that is designed to bring confidence, anticipation, and naughtiness to your intimate moments!

Tip 3: Expand your view of sex beyond penetration

Sex is so much more than just penetration - It’s not merely about fitting a penis into a vagina. Viewing sex through this lens is one-dimensional appraoch to something that's richly multfaceted. It is limiting and doesn’t account for diverse sexualities, bodies, and preferences.

Likewise, foreplay isn’t just a prelude; it can be the main event.

Get creative and explore the whole world of different types of sexual experiences and ways your body can orgasm. For example there is

• Tantra

• Erotic massage

• Sexual edging

• Intimacy and connection games

• Grinding

• Oral Sex

• Dirty Talk

• Sensation play

• Watching porn together

• Reading erotic fiction

• Erotic Dance

• Kink

• Mutual masturbation

• Role-play

• Sex toys

• Sensual touching

• Sex parties and events

Expanding your view of sex can bring new excitement and intimacy to your relationship.

Want more ideas? Download my yes no maybe list to discover your sexual bucket list!

Tip 4: Sex isn't t a performance

Sex shouldn’t be a performance—it’s about feeling and connection, not mimicking what you see in porn.

Slow down and focus on what genuinely feels good, rather than what you think looks good or what you’re “supposed” to do. Check in with each other about what you enjoy and what feels amazing.

Shift your focus away from performance goals like maintaining an erection, achieving orgasm, or worrying about how you look or sound. Instead, concentrate on the sensations and the authentic connection with your partner. Make the experience about feeling and enjoying, not about meeting unrealistic expectations.

Tip 5: Sex is a two-way street

If sex revolves around just one person's pleasure, it’s no surprise it can start to feel like a chore.

Being 'great in bed' isn’t just about giving pleasure—it’s also about learning how to receive it. Both are essential for a fulfilling sexual experience.

If you’re often the ‘giver,’ don’t just have sex out of obligation. Consider what kind of intimacy you want and how to express your own needs.

If you’re usually the ‘receiver,’ reflect on whether you’re engaging with your partner or just using them to meet your own needs. Understanding the difference can transform your experience and deepen your connection.

Open your eyes to mutual pleasure, truly connect with each other, and communicate openly about your desires and needs.

Tip 4: Slow sex can be amazing

Desire and pleasure take time to build—so why rush?

It takes an average of 20 minutes for the clitoris to become fully aroused and ready for pleasure. Remember, the clitoris is both external and internal, and quick, intense actions aren’t always the most pleasurable, especially for women.

Instead of focusing on hard and fast movements, try slow, grinding motions to build intensity gradually. Take your time to explore each other’s bodies, discover new erogenous zones, and experiment with different types of touch. Slowing down and breathing deeply can reveal new levels of pleasure and deepen your connection.

Tip 5: Masterbate together

How we pleasure ourselves can often reflect our different needs and preferences during sex. For instance:

• If he masturbates with a firm, fast grip in the shower, he might enjoy hard, fast, deep penetration in positions like doggy style.

• If she grinds her clit slowly against a pillow on her belly, she might prefer being on her front with circular grinding motions and minimal thrusting.

  
  

Share your self-pleasure techniques with your partner and explore them together. This can help them understand your needs better. Also, experimenting with different methods when you're alone can help you discover new preferences and teach your body new ways to respond.

Tip 6: Become in-tune with your energy levels

If you’re only having sex when you’re exhausted, it’s no wonder you might be stuck in a rut or having less sex with your partner. Fatigue can sap creativity and energy, making arousal harder to build. Plus, it’s a major turn-off if someone’s yawning during sex!

Here are some ideas to reignite your intimacy:

• Go to Bed Earlier: Set aside time to connect before falling asleep.

• Try Morning Sex: It can be a refreshing way to start the day

• Schedule Intimacy: Plan intimate moments for the weekend or other free times - this is especially effective for couples who have mismatched libidos.

• Explore Low-Energy Sex: Discover ways to enjoy sex even when you’re tired, such as through tantra, using sex toys , sensual massage, or simply lying down.

• Be in-tune with your partner: Understanding your partners schedule and turn-ons can be crucial to successfully intiating sex

By being intentional about your sexual experiences, you can bring back excitement and connection to your relationship

Best,

Alice x

Alice Child - Somatic Sexologist, Sex Therapy & Sex Counsellor - helps people achieve happier and healthier sex lives through 1:1 sex coaching, couples sex counselling, hens parties, and workshops. Book a session here.